‎ January 6, 2011: News Shocker:  Constitution to be read on the floor of Congress. “Many newly elected Republicans have simply never heard of the document before,” shared newly elected Congressman Jon Runyan from New Jersey.  “I know I never did."

The new Republican majority has ordered that the United States Constitution be read on the floor of the House of Representatives on Thursday, the day after new lawmakers are sworn in. Congressional historians say they believe this has been done only twice before. 

And for many of the newly elected Republicans, it will be the first time they have heard it read. ‎

“Recently elected Republicans have simply never heard of the document before,” shared an unnamed source deep within the Republican Party.

New Speaker of the House John Boehner says that he first heard about the document in his “power transition meeting” with Nancy Pelosi.  The California Congresswoman made reference to the document as the basis for the transfer of power to Boehner, as she handed him his big gavel. 

“I think that this is a truly marvelous document that we need to share with the entire Congress. My first order of the day is that it shall be read for everyone,” added Boehner, while sobbing.

“Countless newly electeds––especially from the south––had heard about a ‘federal constitution’, but that was mostly legend––kind of like the tooth fairy or the Easter Bunny,” continued Boehner, as tears streamed down his orange face. It seems that many of the congressmen newly elected from the south had so believed in states rights, that they’d simply never heard of a federal constitution.

Jon Runyan, a former pro football player and the Republican nominee who defeated freshman Rep. John Adler (D-NJ) in the NJ Third, had added his voice to the recent constitutional jurisprudence of GOP winners -- listing the 1857 Dred Scott v. Sanford Supreme Court decision as a recent case that he disagreed with.

“Many newly elected Republicans have simply never heard of the document before,” shared newly elected Runyan from New Jersey.  “I know I never did.” Runyan immediately issued a press release indicating that he “will lead an investigation into the so-called ‘constitution’, and that Tea Party supporters said the document was written by ‘revolutionary subversives who overthrew their government.’”

 “It's outrageous. My first action in Congress will be to root out these subversives,” added Runyun. When asked to name a part in the Bill of Rights that he disagreed with, Runyan cited the new NFL overtime rule which says “if Team A scores a TD after receiving the OT kickoff, the game is over. That rule seems very unfair, like the recent Dred Scott decision, and should be left to the states rather than the liberal courts. They were overreaching. Or was it under reaching? Or was it activist…". 

 In other news, the National Weather Service has issued a winter storm advisory for New Jersey tomorrow and Gov. Christie will be leaving for his Caribbean vacation this afternoon.