Dr. Bones goes to Washington

Don Mueller, an Adjunct Professor at William Paterson University, wants to run for President in 2008
Right now he goes by Dr. Bones, but he thinks “President Bones” has a nice ring to it.

Don R. Mueller, an adjunct chemistry professor at William Paterson University who lives in Monsey, NY, is so fed up with politicians of all stripes that he’s decided to become one himself. And he’s shooting high, deciding to skip working his way up the political ladder and going straight for the Presidency through his own organization: The Brain Party.

He’s not running as Don Mueller, mind you, but under his stage name, “Dr. Bones,” with which he educationally entertains school children with a traveling science show.

Dr. Bones’s main platform: politicians are dumb.

“I’m just saying let’s get some smarter people in there…. I’m just trying to get these people to listen to me. That’s why I’m running for president,” said Mueller. “You have to have a brain in your head and skills. What I have is brain in my head and skills.”

A President Bones would try to enact some radical changes to the very structure of the federal government, ones that would require some serious constitutional amendments, like electing Supreme Court justices to serve ten year terms or imposing term limits in Congress (three four year terms for the House of Representatives, and two six year terms for Senate).

“No more of Kennedy, Lugar, Biden for 30 or 40 years,” said Mueller. “That’s insane considering you have 2 positions from each state….. That’s not American. That’s communist. It’s insane.”

Mueller voted for Bush in 2000 and won’t say how he voted in 2004. Right now, he thinks Ron Paul is the only “real guy” in the running.

But Mueller, who’s had political aspirations for some time, is just now acting on his own ambition, which was fueled by advice he received from the late Nobel Prize winning chemist Glen Seaborg (see element 106 – Seaborgium).

“About 20 years ago he wrote me a letter saying ‘Don, I want you to go through with this political ambition that you have,’ and I said ‘ok I will.”

Twenty years later, Mueller is finally reaching for it.

If this all sounds eerily familiar, you might be thinking of Plato’s Philosopher Kings, or that Simpsons episode where MENSA members, including Lisa Simpson, take on governing Springfield with disastrous consequences. But Mueller said he’s not thinking scientists and mathematicians, even though New Jersey already does have Rush Holt, the rocket scientist representatives. More along the lines of businessmen and women, he said -- except Gov. Corzine.

“I wish Corzine would learn to wear his safety belt. That’s something that Dr. Bones does, teach kids to wear that safety belt, because it’s called momentum,” said Mueller.

And one look at Mueller’s clip-art filled Web site shows that this is not a candidate who takes himself too seriously. His sense of humor is one of his strongest characteristics, said Mueller. Just take a look at the woman collecting elephant dung in a bag- a not-so-subtle reference to how he thinks the Republican Party has treated its constituents.

“I’ve got a sense of humor,” said Mueller. “I like to make fun of this because it’s so ridiculous. If I didn’t make fun of it, I’d be crying all the time, because these people are just a crock.”

Mueller hasn’t yet collected any signatures to put his name on the ballot, but he’s hoping that his oddball campaign will drum up enough coverage that people will actually do more than chuckle. He’s shooting for a spot on the Jimmy Kimmel show to get his name out there.

“A lot of people say this is ridiculous,” said Mueller. “Well yeah, but I think it’s even more ridiculous not to give this a chance.”